Few long-running reality shows adhere to their beats and rituals more tightly than ABC’s. Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Every few months, like clockwork, a crop of 20 to 30 people in their 20s and 30s – all with very shiny teeth and job titles like “Executive Executive” or “Professional Thinker” – parade before the American people. for superficial reasons. reading, before being shipped off to one of the show’s various complexes so we can all wait for them to do something romantic or, possibly, racist. All are, apparently, in the love market and so decided to pursue that romantic aspiration via a high-intensity reality show that has produced exactly 6 ongoing romantic relationships in its 20+ years of operation. (It’s not us who are cynical, it’s the statistics.)
For the heartless and unloved like us, trapped outside this glorious love conveyor belt, the arrival of a new batch of Bachelor the contestants can only mean one thing: delve into the biographies provided by the show of each of these 30 new contestants to find the craziest thing about each of them. (There is always Something; writers who condense contestant interviews into these little chunks have an uncanny knack for including an extraterrestrial element in almost all of them.) We also, generally, place this kind of review on The Bachelor himself, although in this case we don’t have to: We already know that the new bachelor (and the old Bachelorette competitor) Zach Shallcross is nephew of actor Patrick Warburtonwhich means marrying her means you could have Thanksgiving a year with Puddy/Kronk, and nothing could be stranger than that.
So there you have it: The 30 women who will fight for the hearts of Shallcross, identified by age, hometown and, most importantly, the weirdest thing we can find about them. Which, we hasten to add, we did not invent. We know it looks like we made some of them up! If you want to confirm – and see what these women really look like, and read how they really are for the good reasons—you can click on it to The varietyis run down.
Anyway, here it is:
- Aly, 26, Atlanta: “Aly is a proud collector of porcelain dolls.”
- Anastasia, 30, San Diego: “Always felt a strong connection to Cleopatra.”
- Ariel, 28, New York: That seems pretty normal, though we don’t know why she had to specify that she “doesn’t do tarantulas under any circumstances.”
- Bailey, 27, Nashville: Fairly normal bio, but thinks The single person is “the perfect place” to find “the one”, which is deeply depressing.
- Becca, 25, Burbank: Becca’s biography starts with “Becca is amazing”, which is a real Bachelor bio-energetic moving.
- Brianna, 24, Jersey City: “Brianna created her own language as a child.”
- Brooklyn, 25, Stillwater: Every sentence in Brooklyn’s biography is about how she wants to be a pro rodeo racer, except this one“But now Brooklyn works as a lab designer for an oral surgery practice where she designs custom teeth for life-changing dental procedures.”
- Cara, 27, Pittsburgh: “Cara isn’t a good cook, but she’s good at ‘cooking meals.’
- Cat, 26, New York: “Cat LOVES hot dogs,” points out The single person‘s.
- Charity, 26, Columbus: “Charity wants to move to Disneyworld someday,” which, combined with the next factoid — “Charity throws a mean axe” — has already written half of our next script for us.
- Christina, 26, Nashville: “Thinks of herself as the grandmother of her daughter’s pet turtle.”
- Davia, 25, Charleston: Sometimes the placement of these blurbs looks like little short stories. For example: “Davia could live on oysters”, immediately followed by “Davia says she can burp anyone”.
- Gabi, 25, Pittsford: Gabby “hopes to own her own Pilates studio one day” although she is already an “account manager”, a very impressive person Bachelor– consonant work.
- Genevie, 26, Baltimore: Genevie “is afraid of animals bigger than her”.
- Greer, 24, Houston: Greer is “a sucker for forehead kisses,” which is technically sweet, we guess.
- Holland, 24, Boca Raton: “The Dutch’s favorite show is The single person“, which we believe should be grounds for immediate disqualification from this show.
- Jessica, 23, Winter Springs: We were we one of the youngest contestants on a dating reality show with a historical issue with age gaps we might not start with “could play bananagrams all day and never get bored” as does of introduction.
- Kaity, 27, Austin: “Kaity loves swimming but hates sharks swimming under her.”
- Katherine, 26, Tampa: “People tell Katherine she looks like Julia Roberts all the time.” All time. It’s annoying, really! God, she wants them to stop.
- Kimberly, 30, Los Angeles: It seems so normal it’s almost suspicious. “I love old-school hip-hop.” What is she hiding?
- Kylee, 25, Charlotte: Her celebrity crush is ‘Jimmy Garroppolo,’ who is apparently a real person, and not just what you’d get if you awoke someone drunk from a solid sleep and asked them to name a comedy alternative it girl from the early 1990s.
- Lekha, 29, Miami: Lekha’s biography mentions that her parents had an arranged marriage, but doesn’t say how they feel about handing over major matchmaking duties to the Disney Corporation.
- Madison, 26, Fargo: “Madison doesn’t like ALL sauces,” points out The single person‘s.
- Mercedes, 24, Bloomfield: “Mercedes’ hobby is showing pigs at the Iowa State Fair” and she “loves driving with the windows down, listening to country music.” Mercedes sounds like a hoot, honestly.
- Olivia L., 24, Rochester: “Watching Grey’s Anatomy inspired Olivia’s desire to work in the medical field.
- Olivia M., 25, Cincinnati: “Olivia’s special talent is sounding like a dolphin.”
- Sonia, 29, Long Island: We could focus on Sonia being “obsessed with Elvis,” but we’re too distracted by her desire to raise “three golden retrievers” at once. Jesus Christ, that sounds exhausting.
- Vanessa, 23, Baton Rouge: “Growing up, Vanessa played freeze tag a lot.”
- Victoria J., 30, Fort Worth: Victoria ‘doesn’t understand the hype around Pete Davidson’ being the baddest burn The King of Staten Island we are likely to find in these bios.
- Viktoria E., 29, Vienna: “Viktoria doesn’t eat blue tortilla chips.” Every woman must have a code.
The single person returns for its 27th season on January 23.