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I have conspiracy theory about this “secret” new child. -

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I have conspiracy theory about this “secret” new child.
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I have conspiracy theory about this “secret” new child.

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Why are we here?

The singer Grimes—AKA Claire Boucher, AKA Elon Musk’s ex—has a new baby, and that baby’s whole existence was a secret until this very morning. There have been some other revelations too, but that’s No. 1, probably.

Is there a new guy in the picture?

Nope, the child is Elon Musk’s—so this is the couple’s second kid, a younger sister to their firstborn, X Æ A-12.

So he’s not her ex?

It’s complicated—more on that in a minute—but there was evidently also a secret recoupling at some point. So that’s big revelation No. 2: In addition to the secret baby, the secret getting back together. I know this shocking double-wallop of information is a lot to process, especially for those of us who are dealing with grievance brought on by the obituary we wrote of Grimes and Musk’s relationship last fall now being rendered obsolete. But I’m over that, I wear, so we can move on.

[Read: A Brief, Weird History of Elon Musk and Grimes’ Brief, Weird Relationship]

How did no one know this very famous singer was pregnant?

A surrogate carried the baby, which explains why Grimes never appeared to be showing in public.

How do we know about this secret baby at all?

They say the celebrity profile is dead, so Vanity Fair should really be patting itself on the back for playing a major role in this plot twist with its profile of Grimes that went up online Thursday morning: Midway through the piece, the reporter discovered the secret baby—a bona fide never-before-seen, never-before-even-rumored secret baby—hiding upstairs. For a beleaguered class of celebrity profile readers who have subsisted on little more than truffle fries for years, not even in our wildest dreams had we imagined that 2022 would bring us a secret baby drop via glossy longform.

Grimes invited a reporter over to the same place where she was hiding her secret baby?

I’m glad you asked this. I have a conspiracy theory to propose. Isn’t it a little suspicious that Grimes had a Vanity Fair person at her home with a clandestine infant upstairs? Did she really expect a baby, an organism only capable of doing three things, one of which is crying, to stay silent for hours while she and the writer chatted?

Well—

Stay with me. We know Grimes to have staged media shows in the past: It’s discussed in the piece, but we all remember the whole ridiculous Communist Manifesto photo-op, in which paparazzi photos of her reading the famous pamphlet were suspiciously shot all over Los Angeles. True, that was not, in the end, a brilliant masterstroke, so perhaps she’s not playing fifth-dimensional baby chess here. Maybe it was unintentional. We’ll really never know if the Vanity Fair writer organically heard that baby crying or it was a plant. Until the baby grows up and spills, at least. Let’s hope she ends up having a very good memory.

OK, I feel we’ve been avoiding a difficult subject. What did they name this child?

The couple that gave us X Æ A-12 couldn’t just christen the girl Olivia or Ava or something. They have a craziest-in-the-game naming reputation to uphold. And uphold that reputation they did: We shall know this little one as Exa Dark Sideræl Musk.

Exa Dark Sideræl’s name echoes her brother’s name in several ways—the X-centric first name, the inclusion of the æ digraph. One might argue that it’s derivative of her older sibling’s name, a North vs. Chicago short-end-of-the-stick situation. Or one could argue the opposite, that it’s much better, because it is actually made of words one might reasonably be expected to pronounce.

So they’re really together again, huh?

Nope! Surprise. After the story started going around, Grimes had some more news:

The last time they broke up, in fall 2021, Musk described them as “semi-separated,” so who knows if it will stick.

Oh? What is “The Mission”?

Grimes explained: “’The Mission’ is ‘Sustainable energy, making humanity a multiplanetary species and the preservation of consciousness.’ “Naturally.

“Multiplanetary species”?

According to Vanity Fair, to this end, Musk will “train” the boy and Grimes the girl. Whether training is distinct from child-rearing is TBD. And they will all live on Mars one day. There’s a whole complicated plan. Lucky for us, Grimes doesn’t plan to leave Earth for the red planet until she’s 65 or so, so we’ll have a nice long time to watch it all play out.

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